The fart chart: I’ve debated whether or not to share my story. If nothing else, I hope it makes your family feel a lot less weird than mine. No one could have prepared for me that freight train of rude silliness that is bathroom humor. I think my kids started just before age three with this obsession.
I was completely unprepared for the fixation associated with poo, or the hilarity of flatulence, bowel movements, and everything bathroom.
Then came the day my tiny two-year-old, my sweet little daughter, let a ripper go. The kind that vibrated the couch and sent her school-aged siblings into a hysterical frenzy. It was bold, rank, and fired from the rear of her polka dot leggings without warning.
This gave me a plan. An evil, smelly plan. In that moment, the fart chart was born.
Charting farts was a crazy, moderately disgusting activity…that lead to my kids eating veggies. Lots of veggies. The concept was simple. My kids began to track and rate their flatulence based upon three criteria.
1.The sound (how loud and powerful).
2. The odor (no explanation required).
3. What they had eaten to produce their flatulence.
They rated sound and odor on a scale of 1 to 3. Typically, three of my five kids had to be present during the flatulence. That is, there had to be one farter and two judges.
- The farter would break wind, and the other two kids would judge the sound and smell. It seemed no one ever argues over the smell of the flatulence.
- After letting one roar, the kids simply sniffed and inhaled as if they were smelling a fine wine.
- Farts that induced coughing and gagging earned the highest marks. Those were considered “weapons grade” flatulence. However, disagreements erupted over the sound.
- Next, enter our Frozen karaoke machine. If Ana and Elsa could see us now. Before I knew it, my kids were unleashing their fury into a karaoke microphone. This allowed them to observe how many sound bars lit up on the machine as a result of their gas.
Then, my historically picky eating children began to skip to the produce aisle in search of flatulence-producing fuel. Enter: broccoli, eggs, beans, Brussels sprouts, and even LENTILS.
Soon they were eating massive plates of vegetables, boiled eggs, beans, and anything they thought would make a good fart. It was a phenomenon!
If you are interested to know, beans, lentils, and eggs scored the highest on the fart chart: hands down. My kids ate more baked beans that week than I’ve consumed in my entire life. Broccoli was also a strong contender. They devoured plates full of it. We had many charts, and we began to introduce symbols. Musical notes represented the sound and flatulence, and clouds depicted the smell.
In the last year, my kids have consumed foods ranging from quinoa to mangoes, though admittedly some are more adventurous than others. They’ve made many charts, covering dozens of foods. We don’t always formally chart foods, but when I see that Karaoke machine come out, I know we’re in for a good laugh. And not because we’re singing Karaoke. So now you know my secret.